Women's World Cup

Bars across America and England are packed right now. In Boynton Beach, Florida it is not the same as in Delray Beach, Florida.

Your humble narrator finds himself alone, distanced from the bar at a local chain on the north edge of town. The place was renovated recently but not the faces or the abdomens of most of my fellow soccer enthusiasts. This is where you go for central casting of Boynton.

There is a man in the opposite corner of me at the bar with orangish hair enjoying dioping his olive into his gimlet, I assume. He's a little bit of a gayish Chris Farley. Classic. Next to camo hat guy, next to NY Giants hat guy next to a pair that look to have literally just walked off the set of Walking Dead. An actual living zombie couple. Her mouth is sucked in and her eyes appear to be drawing fluid in from the rest of her body. Scraggly hair. Sunglasses adorning the top of her head. Her man has a mini mullet and unlike her actual green tinge he is touched by some Boynton sunburn.

It continues on around. 25 percent of the bar is female and their average weight is 30 pounds too many.

Anyway, anyway, anyway.

The bartendress, faithful reader, she's the redeeming quality of this corner of dislocated Mars from Total Recall. Hardworking brunette with a wisp across her forehead. Apple cheekbones. Skinny and works back there like a single mom on the hustle and as we pan to the right it opens up to a more normal view save the old old guy in the shorts at the bar and his old school wide brim hat of wool.

Speaking of wool. There was an apparition before me. The hairpiece so intensely dumbfounding and twisted I wasn't sure if he was real. Button down, gray slacks and somewhere between 70 and 275 years of age. Shark colored mange that somehow went every which way...

Cemtral casting Mars, but for 1 waitress and our upturned irish nose bartendress and what the hell? No goal for England?

The fallen.. just as I went to take a picture gay Farley... (not probably)

Oh shit.. Zombie wife... is... a... man

Hey, wha tha faaa

After 8 years in retirement, why not a sudden burst in stupidity?

There was this Dutch guy that played soccer who supposedly danced and peed on a car in Utrecht.

Who hasn't done that? If you've ever been to Utrecht there's not much happening besides getting stoned to the bejeezus, drunk and dancing on old people's cars.  Been there.  Done that.  Who knew that all you have to do in Holland is send flowers when you damage someone's personal property?

Wesley Shneiegaefgaerf something

Profootballtalk.com reports Cam Newton will not be throwing like Uncle Rico any more.

Uhmm. You don't fix your throwing motion.  It's not a golf swing.  When you swing a golf club you have all day to think about it before you go ahead and do it.  When you're playing QB you have 1.7 seconds to not think about your THROWING MOTION!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry. The only way that enormous windup gets fixed is if he practices morning, noon and night under duress and nobody every does that.  Now. He could go down to Home Depot right around the corner here and pick up a pickup truck full of migrant laborers right here in South Florida and instead of having them dig, paint, plant, hammer, have a bunch of pygmy men from the Amazon region try and get a hand in his face.  That would be 7 million Youtube.com hits right there.  That is #genius.


Eli Manning is hilarious.

Says, Giants will be better without Odell.  Sort of reminds my of my really bizarre and insane childhood in some Ohio backwaters where I'm sure my grandparents had a few neighbor kids that were not permitted to leave their yard or their rope swing and one of them was really just... off. Insane.  That one was Eli. Go ahead. GO to the link and watch grown men talk about men in tights that wear helmets on their heads.

Let me glean some intense meathead comments from their comments section:

Oh yeah.. The Giants fans are in full throat:

"They won 4 straight without him. Brady wins with no one...."

Really? Gronk and Julien suck? I'm pretty sure Showtime just ran a Julien documentary where they really focused on how amazing he is.  Remember, boys and girls. White guys at any skill position other than QB are "overachievers".  It's that reverse-racism thing, where it's okay to be a racist as long as it's against WHITEY! (damn, I just hurt my own feelings! There will be no alcohol in this house being drunk for a penalty of.... 1 minute)

Here's a good one.. .just stop reading after the first sanctimonious sentence:

"THE LOCKER ROOM IS VERY IMPORTANT."  Done. Can't read any more than that.  Who writes a novel in a post and start so shrilly.

Here's a well-reasoned and brief reply by Exley12
"I don’t think Barkley is going to have as good of stats without the outside threat of Odell"

Seems like logic...

Anyway, why go on? Comments all suck us in because they bring out our emotional pigments in varying degrees, don't they?

(who the faa? emotional pigmentation? is that a thing? (it is now) (faaa)) I'm pent up from my language side and have been holding it in like a virgin Madonna far too long, I'm 5 minutes into this post...


PFT is a wealth of crazy headlines as RG3 says Ravens Offense will Shock some People!!! What would shock me is RG3 having any relevance to any discussion whatsoever.  (it is the slow summer news cycle).  Poor Chris Simms doesn't seem bought in as I watch him search for words with his top button buttoned and no tie on. WTF? I don't get that but people I love do it, so go on feeling choked by a really weak midget (credit: Mitch Hedberg)

Time out for Alcohol..... (DRINK)

Wow, it's amazing how your ear gets cleared out when you take a drink and it was a little clogged full of some shit.  I Take saunas and steams all the time.  So bad that my ears are so fucked.   I had about 3 or 4 ear infections and it was from really just not rinsing out so well after my many years of steaming and saunas.  The curse is I'm probably going to die soon and the blessing is I'm 20 pounds lighter than I would be without that lazy exercise in sweat.  The real blessing would be death because of a 2 million dollar life insurance policy but we all know about the suicide clause so you gotta roll under a bridge with a TV crew behind you at about 80 like Aubrey McClendon for them to collect.  That dude had balls.

I used to make up fake news in sports but these days You can't make most of this shit up.  Ricky Williams was the best.  Just a treasure trove of solid excuse making I could make for him.  I mean there's Josh Gordon now but you have to sink to 3rd grade logic to begin to explain away his constant ability to self-sabotage.  I mean, I'm pretty sure my 3 year old follows instructions with more vigor and less need for adderall.

Beer